The time between is my way of dealing with this new reality - the time between diagnosis and post diagnosis. How I deal with it is here, bare and real for anyone to read (behind a pseudonym though of course).
I am anyone - I am a young-ish woman who is a mom, an entrepreneur, a teacher, a woman who had breasts that were, apparently ticking time-bombs (well, one of them, anyway).
Before I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I spent a lot of my time worrying and being scared. Being scared and worrying was my before. I did not have any idea of my upcoming diagnosis; sometimes I still do not know if I was really diagnosed - it can still feel like a bad dream I will wake up from but then I catch sign of myself in the mirror with one boob and no hair and I remember and I am thankful.
I am thankful because I caught it (or it was caught by regular mammography screenings) and thankful I was able to be operated on. As a relatively young woman with no family history of this disease and no known risk factors I got it anyway - welcome me to the club no one wants to join.
Because of or in spite of that, I will probably live a normal life. I mean a normal life with one boob and constant checks to make sure it does not creep back but normal is what normal is.
For me, the life before this diagnosis 8 months ago was being fearful. Fearful of so much - meditating to try to stay calm but not succeeding. Sometimes waking up in the middle of the night petrified of not being able to breathe; all hallmarks of anxiety.
After, though, my life now, I do not get scared. I was not scared. I just did what I had to do to make sure the dreaded disease got removed and luckily it could get removed - I cannot stress that enough. I analogize this new fearlessness to my thoughts about flying with children. When I was young and free, I traveled the world and when the plane would shake and shudder through turbulence or storms, I clutched the seat and would panic in my head that only the most astute stewards and stewardesses could pick up on (my apologies to the awesome steward on the way from Singapore to Toyko for saying, "Honey, we are ok." I did look that scared because I was.
I would always look at the folks traveling with children and pity them because they could not show fear less it contaminate their children. As a mom of young kids, I now know I can fly because if I did not allow my fears to get me this time, I think I can do anything.
So join me on my story - my time between - my time to not worry and just to live because none of us - not you nor me know what comes next. And to all those folks who pity me and feel bad for me, just shove it up your butt because I know you would do the same thing if it was you - we don't want pity those of us touched by this nasty disease we want people to treat us like the person we are inside - the one we have always been with or without the malignancy.
Enjoy the time between....
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