So I am not going to lie - I rarely do because I always get caught but lately I have been feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with the day to day stuff - the job hunt, the groceries, the family commitments, the running around from place to place for follow ups and other stuff.
Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks. I can consider all of this "work" and "tedious" or I can say, "Today, I am choosing to do these 10 things..." or however many things. It is all about perspective, I guess.
I am laying in bed today after having an endoscopy this morning and thinking about how short and complicated life can be if we choose to keep it that way - so I am going to embrace simplicity and just focus on what I want to do and when. I am re-framing my mind or trying to anyway.
The endoscopy did some biopsies and of course, right away, I am thinking "OMG OMG CANCER?" but the doctor looked at me and said, "It is not cancer; we are just doing it as procedure."
I still think to myself though, "what if..." but I know I cannot think that way, I know that I cannot think that way. I have to just keep positive and not think about anything other than the day at hand.
So for today, I am laying in bed in my robe and my pajamas with my puppy. I am looking for jobs and thinking about how I can change my perspective and manage the fact that I had cancer and not let that define everything about me from here forward.
As someone who after every test said, "I failed" (spoiler alert: I never failed) I am wired to expect the worst and hope for the best. Almost one year ago, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was a huge thing that hit and said, "Wow, you did fail!" and yet, I constantly thought about how lucky I was - that I was diagnosed, that it was operable and that I could do it. I made it look easy; it was not easy - but I guess I come from strong stock and just smiled my way through it.
My job was taken from me, my breast, my hair and my twin illusions of control and immortality. What was left was just the grit and determination that NO MATTER WHAT I will do what I have to do, what I can do and that ultimately, I will understand that there is no "control" there is no "immortal" people - there is just me and how I look at things and think about them.
I named this blog The Time Between Is for a reason so I could fill in my own "is" - I can make the time between is about stress and anxiety and waiting for the inevitable (because we all die you know) or I can just make it The Time Between Is about living life and going day by day because that is all we can do no matter what anyone told you about planning and thinking about the future, no one is promised tomorrow.
This is what I do in the time between....
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