So as a December girl, my birthday has always been a great way to celebrate the holidays in overdrive. I used to (before kids) decorate my house and tree right after my birthday (or the day of it) - now of course, we decorate after thanksgiving.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer shortly before my birthday last year - actually almost 2 weeks before my birthday to the day. This year, on my actual birthday, I have to admit, I had tons of mixed emotions. I was of course happy and thinking myself blessed and lucky and all that jazz but I also experienced a lot of fear. A lot of dark thoughts about what could happen and if the worse would happen and I would die before seeing my kids grow up or not have the chance to do my renaissance my new me my unveiling of whatever it is my goals in my new life will be to give back, to do more and all that jazz.
I know I have some PTSD and some other lovely issues to work through but I know it takes time. I do all I can to stay focused and positive but sometimes, of course, I falter - hey, I am only human.
Today is the day I can truly celebrate, though, and stay focused on the prize, which is this moment, today, this exact moment of knowing that one year ago today, I had my surgery. My surgeon took out everything - my mastectomy is quite radical I mean hey my tumor was almost 6cm after all. Also, I lost 25 lymph nodes a year ago today of which 5 were positive for cancer.
When the surgeon spoke to my husband he told him emphatically, "I removed all of the cancer. It is all gone." I posted about that on Instagram today (@thetimebetweenis); from that point on my husband has been convinced that I am cured, that I am cancer free. I live my life to try to believe the same, every moment of every day because if I did not, I would not have any peace. I know that this might not be true as it is not true for 1/3 of breast cancer patients who wind up having cancer spread to other parts of their body and become "terminal" at some point...
I also know that some people have local recurrences and all that jazz. I try instead to be positive and not think about those possibilities, but sometimes like the night of my birthday, those thoughts were taking over and winning which sucked.
I did have an awesome night and was able to not cry - because at one point, at dinner, surrounded by my loved ones, I did want to cry. I think the tears were a mix of self pity and fear and I do not like those feelings not one bit. I am thinking about making a post about how pity is one of the worst emotions and why I think so but for now, I will just say that it was a moment of weakness - which everyone can experience at any time though in the old days, I felt this weak all of the time -- now ,though, I truly do (try to) live in the moment.
I am going to share something now that might make you think I am insane - and if that is the case, it is ok, sometimes, I think I am insane, too (lol).
On the night of my birthday, when my peace was rocked, as I was sleeping one of my children called out to me and said, "Mommy, I am scared!" (This happens sometimes as they were impacted by my cancer plot twist and it is the reason why I worked on the children's book told from "their" perspective - see it here - working-through-the-pain-or-what-your-kids-feel-when-mama-gets-sick.html.
Anyway, when they called out, I wanted to say, "I am scared, too." but I did not of course - I told them, "Everything is ok, there is nothing to be scared of..." then, I quickly fell back to sleep but I was not asleep. Instead, I was bathed in a white light that was so strong and so bright and yet I could look at it without having to shield my eyes. I was in a white bright room and in that room were 2 other people - Mary, the Blessed Virgin and Padre Pio. I have written before about my experiences with Padre Pio here padre-pio-me.html.
This experience was more deep, more profound and even if I created it in my head alone (which I do not believe) it was still something that brought me great peace and made me feel that no matter how much I worry, it does not help and that I should just follow my original gut instincts to "pray, hope and don't worry". There was more that happened during this "vision" or "dream" but I cannot put words to it...
I woke up suddenly because I felt something in my hands. When I opened my eyes, I was holding my green scapular in my hands, tight. I will write more about what a "scapular" is at another time because this post already is turning into a book and I have some living to do today! On this day, the day of my "rebirth" there is no bad feeling or fear - there is just this moment, this moment when last year, we heard the magic words, "All of the cancer is gone." I am going to hold on to that and keep it with me so that I can continue to have my peace, no matter what.
What do you do in the time between to help you cope with the fears, the bad stuff, the PTSD? I would love to know! Thanks!
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