I recently posted about the process it takes for me to leave the house now with fake hair and fake boob What Not to Say - I am basically a Vegas Showgirl...
When you are preparing for a mastectomy, part of the process is meeting with a plastic surgeon as one of the "benefits" of getting breast cancer is new boobs. Even if just one boob is trying to kill you, you can get the poisoned one replaced and the other one can be lifted and improved, too - all covered by insurance (if you are lucky enough to have insurance, of course).
I kind of felt from before I was even diagnosed at each screening mammo that I would not reconstruct. I always felt just the idea of boobs and dealing with the screening was work enough and often thought we should all just get the boobs removed because what is the point of carrying around things that so obviously is unclear as to what causes them to get diseased. As I mentioned, I have no history of the disease and no known risk factors and yet here I am someone with dealing with breast cancer.
I am lucky though - lucky that I had screening mammos that began at 34 and not the new ruling of 40 and up because I was diagnosed literally on the eve of my 40th birthday after some inflamed ducts at my screening at 38 put me on the 6 month squeeze plan. From my previous scan at 38 that showed minor inflammation in the duct of my right breast, which is common to breast feeding and too small to biopsy oh and had a 99% chance of staying benign was within 6 months a tumor and definitely malignant.
It would ultimately turn out to be 5.6cm of cancer with 5 of 25 lymph nodes infections - otherwise knows as Stage 3 Cancer. From diagnosis to surgery, I had only 17 days. 17 days to figure out what exactly was going on in my body - all of which was truly not known until I was operated on but more on that journey in another post.
For now, the perks of breast cancer is getting that appointment with the surgeon to pick out your new boobs. I was first told about this new process by which they take fat from other parts of your body to reconstruct your breast and when the surgeon asked to see me disrobed, her first words were "You are obviously not a candidate for the fat shifting procedure." And I said, "Why because I am too skinny??" Note: I have never been too skinny for anything. She stared at me and said, "No - it is just too risky for you with xyz condition."
On that note, I was shown before and after pictures of her work and although impressive, I did not see me in those pictures. As someone who since puberty did enjoy having boobs and wearing low cut tops now as a mom of 2 and someone whose decollete was trying to kill me, I was really in the flat camp for boobs.
I did not think it through as clearly as I could have as I was going to still have a boob - and be uneven in an extreme way. I always had one boob that was bigger than the other but I did not really process how I would now just have one boob. Period.
The nurse in the office did try to get me to see the error of my ways - she said the normal about how I was so young and would want to have the appearance of two breasts and even the office acknowledges that the surgery does not give you a normal breast - just the appearance in clothes of having normal breasts.
It seems all selfish of me to put myself under for a longer amount of time, to delay my chemotherapy and to go in for additional surgeries just to have the appearance of breasts. I was ultimately at peace with refusing the reconstruction of the diseased boob and makeover of the other.
Now, I will not say I regret it but having to do these extra steps to be people ready is very annoying. I would often run out without wearing a bra even though my boobs were not perky and camera ready and one thing I really do lament is not getting a picture of my boobs when I had the pair I was born with but you do not get to where I have been in life without learning the issues of leaked nude photos so I just have the pics of cleavage that I often showed and no real idea of what the missing boob really looked like besides a faint memory.
Over all, I am happy with my one boob and my prosthetic but I do see maybe down the road going for the reconstruction (one other perk is you can do it at a later date, if you so choose so the window on my reconstructing is not yet closed).
The key is beating the disease, of course, but sometimes, you really want to look hot doing it and it can be hard to look hot when you are lopsided because your prosthetic won't sit right in its pocket. Just something else to manage in the time between....
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